There is nothing worse than showing up to your friend’s wedding without a date. Actually, yes there is: showing up to your friend’s wedding without a date while all of your other friends are engaged and flashing their giant, shinydiamonds in your face.
This is also known as the seventh circle of hell. Single people are easy to spot at weddings; they are either Ben Stein or Tara Reid. Here are some other signs that make you easy to spot if you’re single and hating your lifethis wedding season:
1. A group of elderly ladies decides you are a spinster.
Thinking about the ceremony only gives you an impending feeling of anxiety. You warn the bride that you might need an ambulance on standby once you realize you’re 25 and the only single person there. You’re in desperate need of a legitimate date, and your dog does not count. Neither does putting an ad on Tinder for free food and drinks.
You notice a group of scowling older ladies glaring at you with judgmental eyes. Their eyebrows furrow and rise. Their lowered voices make no difference.
In the south, you know this only means one thing: They have determined you are a spinster. The tribunal has spoken. According to them, you will have to live the rest of your life as an outcast in spinsterville,with seven cats as your common law partners.
Naturally, they will say things like, I know her parents. They are really good people. I just don’t know how this happened. You know there is nothing wrong with being single, but trying to explain you’re not onewhen everyone believes you are does not really work.
2. You find the bar immediately.
You are just praying like on your actual hands and knees that there is an open bar. When you find out there is, you immediately begin to turn the hell up. You are on another level.
The DJ spins Turn Down For What, which is like a lighthouse beckoning a boat to shore. You are a terrible dancer. This is acknowledged by the fact that everyone is trying to Snapchat you.
You don’t care. You’re too far gone. You don’t know how to do the worm, but did Ben Franklin know what he was doing when he discovered electricity? No.
You will only awake on an unfamiliar bathroom floor to look at Snapchat. Your breakfast will consist of shame and disgust.
3. You start looking at that weird guy you went to high school with a little differently.
Remember that guy, Timothy, who brought his knife collection to school, and then got sent to alternative school for a few weeks? Well, he just so happens to be your best friend’s cousin, and she forcibly had to invite to him to the wedding.
By the end of the night, his lifeless eyes and tuxedo graphic t-shirt don’t look so bad. You start exploring thoughts like, It’s really just one night. I’ll try anything once, I think.
4. You start questioning your whole life.
As you stare at Timothy, you start to question your whole life. Will you ever love again? Will you ever meet someone the old-fashioned way, or will you be subjected to receive the eggplant emoji from weirdos on Tinder until you are 35, as a punishment from God?
Timothy stares back at you with a seductive look that says, I’m not really all there, but I can hold it together for approximately six minutes. This is the same look most of your exes have.
5. You look kind of salty AF.
Throughout this whole wedding thing going to the showers, pretending like you think the bride’s new microwave is freaking amazing and constantly making jokes about how you’ll be the last one to walk down the aisle you’ve realized that maybe itisn’t for you. I’m talking about the obnoxious amount of money spent on weddings, the catering that really wasn’t that good and the feelingthat you’ll forever be alone.
You start to get really bummed because honestly, how can you not? You are there alone. In the off chance you are not, you’re with a date who is crying that his fianc has dumped him. Weddings are a celebration of love: you know, the thing you’re not currently in.
The only things you love right now are your dog, alcohol and the geniuses who created Tinder. It’s OK to feel that way for a split second.
But when you’re single at a wedding, you need to snap the hell out of it real fast because this day isn’t about you, boo. It’s about your friend who is standing up there: eyes huge, heart bursting with excitement and possibly on the verge of passing out.
This will be the most memorable day of her life. So stop your whining, grab a drink, get out there and have fun for her. She’d do the same for you.
Just don’t go full Tara Reid on her. Those old ladies are still watching.